Monday, March 9, 2009

Random Urination

So today I get to work, and I get the old, "your number's up, I hope you have to pee" phone call. Yes, I am speaking about random drug testing. I'm sure that some of you out there in the blogosphere work at a job where that's something that just happens periodically(or shall I say randomly) throughout the length of your career. I also happen to work at a place that utilizes the pee pee test.

I'll give you a rundown of how it works where I work. It'll kind of be a lead in to a rather infamous embarrassing story about myself. It's not even embarrassing anymore, probably because I have no shame, but it is entertaining for those who haven't heard it.

Ok, so at my job the pee test is truly random. As in, you show up to work one day and the pee fairy is waiting there to wisk you away to have your pee extracted at the pee place. AKA your boss tells you to hop in his crown vic and drives you to the local urgent care while everyone stands around waiting for you to wee in a cup. You have to give em your thumb print, they make you wash your hands before you go in, and after you are done making your little yellow fountain drink, you are not allowed to flush the toilet. You bring your creation out to the nurse lady who documents the temperature of said pee (my lady wasn't even wearing gloves when I handed her my pee cup!! I could have rubbed my beef and cheddar all over that thing! Yikes!), she then makes sure you didn't dump anything in the toilet(drugs or a vile that held someone else's urine), and then you are done. Normally, there are at least five people at a time who get drawn to wee. So there you have it, pee testing 101.

So this brings me to my embarrassing story..... Several years ago, I was stupid enough to volunteer to work the day shift. To say that mornings are not my thing, would be putting it mildly. This particular morning, I was running especially late and did not have time to stop and take my morning dumpski. I thought it would be no big deal, that I would just wait until I got to work and take it then. So I haul balls to get to work on time, and luckily I made it without a second to spare. I walk into the joint, and to my horror, the pee fairy is sitting there waiting on me!!!!!

What do i do? I mean I need to take a major crap, like as in the tropical storm is just off the coast and about ready to make landfall!! It's not like I could tell the pee fairy, "Hey hang on for just a minute I need to go to the can first." How suspicious would that look?! So I calm myself by thinking that I can just go to the pee place, squirt a few drops into their dang cup, get the heck out of there, find the nearest toilet and poop away.

So myself and four other lucky pissers hop in the car and head to the pee place. We pull up and walk in, and by this time, beads of sweat are popping up on my brow. As my bad luck would have it, I'm first up. I'm sure you're saying, "Bad luck? I thought you had to poop?" Well, I did have to poop, but the problem is that everyone has to take their turn using the same bathroom to pee in the cup. . . And I'm first up!

The nurse has me sign all the paperwork, hands me my cup, and shoos me into the can. Just before the bathroom door shuts, she peeks her head in and says, "And remember, DON'T FLUSH!" By this time, I look like I'm about three months pregnant, and the old phrase, "You're so full of shit, your eyes are brown" is starting to have new meaning. All that's left in the room is me, the toilet, the cup, and fear.

I undid my britches, took a seat on the throne, and started praying. After about fifteen minutes and one "checkup" knock on the door by the nurse, I hadn't produced a single drop. It was then that I had to face the harsh reality that there was no way on God's green earth that I was going to get one, with out the other. So, with a sigh and one tiny grunt, I unleashed the fury of my bowels. It was ugly people, I mean U-G-L-Y! Then, and only then, came the golden trickle that I sought.

I was left wondering how I was going to make this awful, tragic situation better. I didn't have much time to work up a good plan though, because my cup of golden good stuff was getting colder by the second. So I did the only thing that I could come up with in that short amount of time. . . I piled up right around 800 pounds of wadded up toilet paper on that nasty mess, shrugged my shoulders, and walked out to the nurse.

I handed over my cup-o-pee to the lady, and she strolled into the bathroom to check the toilet. I couldn't help but chuckle to myself when she hit the wall of stank. She looked at me with disgust, and all I could muster was a sheepish grin while mumbling "sorry, I really had to go." She flushed the toilet and it all went down, which was the only thing that went right for me that morning. After all that, I just got the hell out of there, leaving my pride behind. Then, I got to thinking about how funny that whole affair was, and I ended up telling everybody about it! Weird, I know, but all for the sake of humor. See, I told you I have no shame!

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