Sunday, August 9, 2009

Vagina Pockets. . . Are They REALLY Necessary?

Giney pockets. This has been the hot topic of conversation/speculation between my friend Moose and I recently. Girls, you will all know what I'm referring to here. I'm talking about the women's underwear that usually comes in a package that has that one special feature that all lady's underwear should include. . . a giney pocket. You know the part I'm talking about. The part where they don't sew the crotch padding to the actual underwear in the front, leaving a strange and incredibly useful vagina pocket. I own several pairs of underbritches such as these, so I have decided to dedicate this post to all the items that I may or may not decide to store there.

So the next time you see me digging around in my crotchal region, it's not just the crabs. . . I may be retrieving my. . .

1. Cellphone. What better place to keep my cellphone than nestled safely next to my vagina. I mean it is a Blackberry Storm after all!

2. Roll of quarters. For those times when I am parched and require change for the pop machine, or maybe it's a gumball that I desire. BAMO! Roll of quarters within reach!

3. Driver's license. Who needs to carry a purse to the bar ever again!! Just throw your ID into your vagina pocket (along with that cute pink lipstick, I mean there's plenty of room for both!) and get ready to paint the town.

4. Sunglasses. I mean sure, when I sit down they will probably shatter under the girth of my vagina, but they fit in there so snugly!

5. Keys. I will never lock my keys in my car ever again. Oh no, not me! Not when I have my spare set shoved into my vagina pocket!

6. Chia pet. I don't even own a chia pet. But I'm gonna run out and buy one specifically for my giney pocket. The sheep is the one I want!

7. Wii controller. How badass will I appear when I hump my way to slaughtering my opponents at Wii bowling?

8. Garage door opener. What a great party trick! How is she making the garage door open and shut like that?! It's amazing! Thank you vagina pocket!

9. The Yellow Pages. For those days when I just can't quite see over the steering wheel and I need the four extra inches of vagina height. . . giney pocket saves the day.

10. Fear. Really, there is no better place to store your fear than in your vagina pocket.

11. And finally, my flashlight. People will exclaim, "Is that you God, I can see the light!" Nope, that is just my vagina, illuminating the world.

As you can see, this is one of the most revolutionary inventions in all of humankind. So I challenge you, dear readers. . . What will you shove into your vagina pockets? Hhhhhmmmmm?

1 comment:

  1. This is quite possibly the funniest thing you have written so far.
    Yellow Pages, indeed. LOL.