Is Anyone Still Out There?

So as you all well know, I took a brief hiatus from this here little blog. Why, you ask, did I leave you all hanging that way? Why did I stand you up like that hot guy/gal who works in accounting and stares at your junk every day on their way to the fax machine? Why haven't I returned any of your incessant phone calls and refuse to comment on your whiny facebook page posts? Why did I ditch you to hang out with my aunt who only has one arm and send you a text saying only, "you suck"? Well maybe it's because you have a gross amount of earwax oozing out of your hair-filled earholes, and your breath smells like a fart. . . Or far more likely, is that none of the above happened at all, and in fact the reason is as simple as I am one laaaaazzzzy bi-atch. And ps......I don't even have an aunt with one arm (but if I did her name would be Helga and she would wear one of those hooks because she lost her arm in the war. And she would use her hook to hold her virginia slim 120 cigarettes, on which the filters would be caked with bright red lipstick that she frequently scrawls haphazardly across her wide, fish-like lips. Too much? What?! So I have a really vivid imagination! What do you expect, I'm an only child!!)

Anyhizzle, here I am back again. I'm sure you are all wondering what I have been filling my time with during my time away from this endearing blog. Maybe I went deep sea fishing with a crusty old seadog captain, who I ended up having to kill and feed to the sharks after he honked my boob one too many times. . . Or maybe I dropped in on my old college buddy's archaeological dig in Bangcok(man I love the name of that town!), only to contract amoebic dysentery and spend my entire trip in Thailand sitting on the shitter. . . Or still maybe I caught a Yankee's game during a sight-seeing trip to New York, only to have A-Rod flash me some wien from the outfield, starting a cat fight between me and Kate Hudson. . . Or far more probable, maybe I have been stuck at my incredibly boring job for an unbelievably great amount of time, left gazing out of the the third story window at the murky, turd-filled river below, thinking that if I could only pry that window open, I would certainly hurl myself out of it into said river and deposit another turd into its waters.

Wow, I need to catch my breath after that one! I bet you guys have surely missed my insane ramblings tremendously! I mean really, how could you not?